All Ahead!

Like the order given on the bridge of a warship underway, it’s time to turn toward the “why we’re here” and take it on. 

General quarters if you will.  

“Value Self” is the theme moving forward. It seems I am allowed to be the main reason I choose to do this - or that.  I don’t have to do it for others. Not even the guys from Liberty 603. Not for my mother, or father, or anyone. Just me is a valid reason. That seems so selfish and out of line with not only me, but what we want in society. 

My VA therapist countered with the concept that if you keep doing everything for everyone else and not yourself - that too will become overwhelmingly selfish, and likely put you in a place and situations where you can’t win, you can’t function, risking more and more of every thing I’m trying to rid from my life now.  The anxiety, the anger, the frustration that paralyzes me. 

Draw boundaries. Don’t justify an action that will (eventually) bring more anxiety, anger, and frustration. 

Make stronger choices for myself. 

Breaking three decades - no, a lifetime of this habit won’t be easy. 

As I left the session I texted my wife. I do that every visit. I want to share what happens and I also want to document in text - just what I’m feeling when I leave so I can better reflect and stay focused moving forward. 

This is what she wrote back: 

“I'm referring here to the ongoing narratives that we tell ourselves about who we are and why life is the way that it is.

If the story you tell yourself about who you are causes you deep pain - it's not true. 

If the story you tell yourself about why something isn't happening or can't be done hurts deeply - it's also very likely not 'true.'

If the themes in your stories cause you pain, they're often related to your worth as a human being. 

That you're not enough, that you're too much, that you're too broken, that something isn't meant for you.

That people don't show up for you because of who you are.

Or that your loneliness is caused by some sort of defect within you.

But none of that is actually true.

Your worth as a human being cannot be questioned. 

You're enough, now and always. 

You always deserve love, care, tenderness, and understanding.

You're human and you're fallible, but that's part of what makes you beautiful, relatable, dynamic, and interesting. 

Just start to notice - when the stories start to feel really painful, are they tied back to your worth as a person?

If so, take a breath and let it go. It's not true.

Resume from a place of compassion and knowing that you are lovable and worthy, even if you're not getting what you need in this moment.”

Have a great day, baby. I love you!”

Call it blessed, or luck, but I am so grateful for her and the ways she sees me.  

It feels good to know someone sees the same challenge I see and is confident I can take it on.

Reminds me of a shipmate. They’ve got your back, always and forever. 

I (and you) are never alone in your struggles. 

Now it makes total sense.  

U.S. Navy… Semper Fortis. 

Always Strong