Why feel less than?

 I arrived a little early for my appointment at the VetCenter. My usual appointment time is late in the afternoon because I have nearly an hours drive from work. But today the appointment was at 10AM.  

I was surprised when I arrived to find the parking and the waiting room nearly full.  I sat in one of two open chairs in the midst of a group of Vietnam Era vets chatting and talking about life.  The guy next to me introduces himself. He was in the army. He asks what branch I served in, I say Navy.  He then asks how long was I in? My mouth let the words “six years” fly out.  

Six? Where did that come from? I guess technically it was six with the inactive reserve time, but we all know I’m a four year sailor.  I know, but in that room, with those guys I felt like I didn’t deserve to even be there.  That’s when it happened. 

Mr. Army guy explains that this is a group, and they meet as a group every Wednesday at 10AM.

“Hey Fuzzy!” Shouts one of the veterans.  My new Army friend shakes Fuzzy’s hand and asks how he’s doing, how his wife is doing.  Fuzzy says, sorry to hear about your wife to the Army guy next to me and he says thanks. 

Army guy turns to me and says, “I recently lost my wife. We were married 52 years.” I’m so sorry to hear that, I say.  

He says, “well, think about joining us on Wednesdays, we have a good time.”  

At that moment my therapist comes up and it’s time for me to go.  “Good to meet you.”  “Sorry to hear about your wife.” He says, “thank you go talk.” 

These guys were all Vietnam guys. 

I share that with my therapist and he asks if I want to join them.  “No.”  I say quickly. 

“Why?” He asks? 

Their experiences and mine are so different. They have so many and more disruptive experiences. Me? I have this one or two things that I had to face. Easy shit compared to what they did. 

He gives me “the look.”  

Then asking why I keep belittling my experience or myself.

Deep breath. 

Value self.  That was one of the very first things we talked about and here I was failing to do that right in front of him. 

I have much to do.  

I can’t imagine trying to do this without his guidance. 

The only thing I know for sure - is without these talks, I may not be here.  There have been some really dark moments and I’ve climbed out of those with the help of two people…

My VA therapist and my wife.  

So now the whole group talk is on the table and perhaps in the new year, I’ll jump into one and see where it goes. Or more correctly see where I go with it. 

It’s a plan.