Learning Where I am on the Path

I didn’t deserve anything, let alone the good things that came along. 

I was self- abusive… There were times I did things that I knew would destroy my relationship, or hurt me. On purpose.  

Easier for them, just toss me away, like trash… I don’t deserve to be here… and they definitely deserve better. 

I made it impossible for me to be me… because I, me, didn’t exist.  I had molded so much of myself into what others wanted me to be – and fought myself internally about that choice constantly. All for some unknown reason. 

So a simple question like, Who am I?  Can be tough to answer. 

I was someone who didn’t matter… I didn’t matter because I am still here and those who needed me so they could stay alive... well they didn't get that. That night they got nothing, and lost everything. 

We left them. Wasn’t by choice – but we still left them. 

So, I put all my effort and energy into work… providing for my family… to the point where time was lost – moments that can’t be re-created are gone forever. Overworked on purpose. Study leadership and be responsible to lead, and direct an endeavor.  It takes a lot of time, a lot of work.  The results include fewer vacations and less time at home. It reduced time together in my relationships.  After all, who needs to know about me, the person I am, who didn’t stand up for those who really needed me. We don’t need to know because I am who you want me to be. I knew I left all traces of me behind years ago. Well, I tried, but it’s a formula for becoming a mess. A mess that good people can only tolerate for so long before they’ve had enough.  

There’s still free time, so volunteer and overcommit to good causes.  Good causes that truly impact the community so no one can really call you out on giving your time to that – and if they do – your conscious mind can force the internal debate because, after all they need me to do this and it’s having a positive impact on our community. 

Perhaps that has had some impact on the relationships that I have had and lost. While not the singular reason for multiple failed relationships, it is certainly a strong factor.  I can see now, after just a short amount of time facing this darkness with help… that my internal hurt was – in effect – hurting those who cared the most about me. 

I never saw that until this week, and I am so very sorry to those I hurt. I want to get on Facebook and apologize to all, but that ship has sailed. What's important now is now. Not the past. But if by chance one of you that I hurt is reading this, know that I am deeply sorry that I hurt you. 

So, how did I get to a place to even start to consider help? 

A combination of that deep pit of denial where this whole experience had been buried had just leaked so much corrosion into my life that it couldn’t be ignored any longer – and the arrival of a special person who hadn’t seen me since before the incident. A high school friend who knew me well.  We were best friends and lost touch when I went overseas with the Navy.  

Here she was, nearly 40 years later asking me questions about my life with all this genuine curiosity and interest. She asked me “Who are you, and what do you like to do?”  I couldn’t answer… stammering with some mix-mash I made it work, but she knew.  She saw and sensed it.  In a moment of great frustration over something important she made me stop, and look into her eyes and she told me that it was “OK for me to feel.”  

I cried. I don’t know why, but I did. She held me and started helping me see the walls I had built around me. She saw them, and I didn’t – until then. 

NOW

I am told that allowing myself to feel this pain I have been carrying is not going to be easy. But it’s needed so I can give it the respect it deserves and then properly place it behind me on the path I’ve already traveled.  

Breathe and live in the moment. 

Don’t worry about tomorrow. 

Don’t carry the burdens of the past.  

Breathe in the present, and live there.

Sounds so easy.  My counselor said it wouldn't be, and he also said if I work just as hard at doing this positive stuff as I did at burring all the darkness, it'll be a smaller hill to climb. 

What's a Vets Center?

Dreams

For more than a decade I can remember having dreams about my failed and failing relationships.  They always had some common elements. One was the ex’s were always there. It seemed as though they all lived next door to each other in apartments. In every dream the apartments were engulfed in water. Like on an ocean and in danger of sinking. Sometimes the focus was trying to save them all… and sometimes it was one of my son’s that needed saving.  All these dreams about all these challenges in my life.  I even googled them in the morning and never once. Not once, did the water connect back to August 1985 and Liberty 603… Until counseling this past May. 

Underneath everything in my world there was this darkness of the water and it was always a threat to my family and I never saw it until the VA counselor asked me if I'd looked at it that way.  The water was always a threat, but I never connected it to that night – and never connected it as a common thread back to that incident. 

Sometimes it’s really important to share outside of family. Outside of friendships. Take advantage of the VetsCenter near you. It’s not the VA, it’s easy to get in and talk, and it costs nothing, and it could change – or save your life.  

I’m convinced it saved mine. 

Time to Revisit the Past and Bring Some Light

It's been a while since I've been here and written anything. Like 17 years. Reading it today, these 'sea stories' are a part of me. Which is where this blog started... and ironically, where we are again these days. 

Right back at the beginning.  Except this time with new realizations and purpose. 

The story about "My most vivid memory aboard Towers" is why I am again back here. Only now I see more than I did back then. I've learned more than I knew back then. 

Mainly, I had no idea just how that 'vivid memory' had impacted me, and thus everyone around me for decades... that is until recently. 

It's not easy seeing people and knowing they can be rescued but not being given the chance to even try. Orders are orders and we all followed them, and I have a pretty good idea why. But the brain and the heart don't let it go. They hold that guilt close. We may box it up and work to bury it deep. But it comes back. It's corrosive and the longer you let it sit in that deep internal pit the more dangerous it becomes. 

I know more about the two U.S. Naval Aviators we lost that night than I ever thought I would thanks to the internet. I have reached out to the squadron as recently as October of last year to ask if they had a memorial wall of sorts. I was glad to hear they do, and it's in (or near) the ready room and today's pilots walk by it every day before they fly. Kevin and Chris are on that wall. Certainly, the least they deserve. 

 Liberty 603... you changed a lot of lives that night. You changed mine.

Looking back as I finally begin the healing process, I can see the many ripples of that night through the decades of my life since. It's like the darkness of that night in August 1985 stayed inside me. I knew it was there and wanted to keep it dark. 

The idea of light on those memories would be horrifically difficult to accept. Just thinking about it has always made me feel like we failed and that what happened was......well, something that bordered on negligent homicide. 

The orders were the right ones. The decision made that night (well above my pay grade) was the right one. 

But it still hurts. Kevin and Chris are still - and will forever be missing in action. 

Trying to save them from a rapidly sinking aircraft in the darkness of that night would have placed many other sailor's lives at risk, including mine. We didn't try. 

Chris and Kevin, I have carried you with me for almost 40 years. Every child, marriage, holiday, or celebration I have felt incredible guilt that you were not out there somewhere celebrating with your families. 

In our Navy days we lived in the moment. We learned lessons from our experiences, and we got better at what we did, but we continued to live in the moment and approach each day in a way that we could best own it. Carrying your moments in my life has been an honor. But you never asked me to do it. 

I struggle for the words today…. But I am getting close to the day when I finally have to say things out loud and let you go. I need my daily moments back. 

You didn’t know me that night, but I was there along with more than 300 others. About a hundred of us saw you, or the plane… and could do nothing more than watch. I hope you know we were willing to do whatever it took to get you out. We were not only willing we were ready. One move from inside the plane and the frenzied effort would have unleashed. No move came. Instead, we were ordered to leave the scene, and we did. We then watched as Liberty 603, still barely afloat slipped into the darkness of night. That darkness has remained within me for too long. 

Lt. Kevin Kuhnigk & Ens. Christopher Mimms, I mean no disrespect… but the time has come for me to turn on the light and let go.  I take comfort in a feeling that you’re good with that. 

 I look forward to having this conversation on the other side someday. 

Just know that I am terribly sorry we couldn’t bring you home.