Pass the word

 

Boats! 

Aye sir.

Pass the word….

That’s where whatever the crew needs to know is shared. From setting the sea and anchor detail, to the smoking lamp is out. 

It’s time to share what a few already know. 

So, now hear this; I’m starting to let those closest to me know that I have struggled for years with trauma that came from an incident or two I experienced aboard the U.S. Navy ship I love - the Towers.

I’m not the only Navy veteran, or Towers veteran that has struggles due to experiences aboard ship. Life on a U.S. Navy warship molds a person. In many ways it made all of us, including me, much better than we were. It gave us skills, and experiences that we’d never have if not for our time aboard. That life is also dangerous, things happen and people get hurt, sometimes they’re are killed or lost - or both. 

That environment of constant risk makes the crew into life-long brothers known as shipmates. We “get” each other and we support each other.  We’d of died for each other and that’s a feeling that creates a life-long bond that can’t be undone. 

PTSD. 

Ya. There it is. 

It’s been a rolling darkness that engulfs me for more than three decades. It gives no warning. It just shows up and implodes whatever is happening in your life for that moment, that day, or that week. 

Like the previous post - until you turn toward the fight, close the distance and bring the battle to the enemy - you’re letting it win. 

No more. 

I’ve turned and am bringing the fight to this adversary, and now some family and friends are finding out something they never knew about me. 

I don’t care. They can judge if they want to - but don’t utter a word like that to me.  Don’t say “you were never in combat.” Because you have no idea what you’re talking about. 

Several years ago, that’s exactly what the person closest to me once said. 

“You were never in combat, how can you have this?” 

I was shocked. I thought I really knew this person. I thought they knew me. I thought they loved me! I’m sure they loved me, but rather than empathy - it was a question, a challenge to my feelings. 

I explained but could see it made no real difference. Their face showed that. They looked at me like I was claiming valor I didn’t deserve.  When in reality I was claiming a piece of myself that I deserved very much to keep. 

The temptation today may be to straight up punch someone in the face who says something similar. I know it won’t help, but it might feel good. 

So now you know.  

I love and appreciate my wife, my family, and my inner circle of friends. That circle of trust is certainly growing as I share all this with strangers too. 

But I trust. I trust those around me with me. If you see this journey of mine as something other than what it is - that’s on you and I feel for you.  I feel for you because something is blocking your empathy for others. 

I wish you the best in your journey to find out what and why that is. 

For the rest of you, don’t say a thing. I don’t need to hear it. I just needed to let you know. Now you do. 

Thanks for listening. 

That is all. 

All Ahead!

Like the order given on the bridge of a warship underway, it’s time to turn toward the “why we’re here” and take it on. 

General quarters if you will.  

“Value Self” is the theme moving forward. It seems I am allowed to be the main reason I choose to do this - or that.  I don’t have to do it for others. Not even the guys from Liberty 603. Not for my mother, or father, or anyone. Just me is a valid reason. That seems so selfish and out of line with not only me, but what we want in society. 

My VA therapist countered with the concept that if you keep doing everything for everyone else and not yourself - that too will become overwhelmingly selfish, and likely put you in a place and situations where you can’t win, you can’t function, risking more and more of every thing I’m trying to rid from my life now.  The anxiety, the anger, the frustration that paralyzes me. 

Draw boundaries. Don’t justify an action that will (eventually) bring more anxiety, anger, and frustration. 

Make stronger choices for myself. 

Breaking three decades - no, a lifetime of this habit won’t be easy. 

As I left the session I texted my wife. I do that every visit. I want to share what happens and I also want to document in text - just what I’m feeling when I leave so I can better reflect and stay focused moving forward. 

This is what she wrote back: 

“I'm referring here to the ongoing narratives that we tell ourselves about who we are and why life is the way that it is.

If the story you tell yourself about who you are causes you deep pain - it's not true. 

If the story you tell yourself about why something isn't happening or can't be done hurts deeply - it's also very likely not 'true.'

If the themes in your stories cause you pain, they're often related to your worth as a human being. 

That you're not enough, that you're too much, that you're too broken, that something isn't meant for you.

That people don't show up for you because of who you are.

Or that your loneliness is caused by some sort of defect within you.

But none of that is actually true.

Your worth as a human being cannot be questioned. 

You're enough, now and always. 

You always deserve love, care, tenderness, and understanding.

You're human and you're fallible, but that's part of what makes you beautiful, relatable, dynamic, and interesting. 

Just start to notice - when the stories start to feel really painful, are they tied back to your worth as a person?

If so, take a breath and let it go. It's not true.

Resume from a place of compassion and knowing that you are lovable and worthy, even if you're not getting what you need in this moment.”

Have a great day, baby. I love you!”

Call it blessed, or luck, but I am so grateful for her and the ways she sees me.  

It feels good to know someone sees the same challenge I see and is confident I can take it on.

Reminds me of a shipmate. They’ve got your back, always and forever. 

I (and you) are never alone in your struggles. 

Now it makes total sense.  

U.S. Navy… Semper Fortis. 

Always Strong