Those Ah-ha Moments

They’re fantastic when they happen. So far they’ve been pretty small affairs of sudden realization(s).

This morning, not long after finishing the previous post  I was struck by a simple thought, and then that thought sent me into a deep and more sudden realization of just how much my life has changed. 

The first realization?  It’s kind of gross. 

“I had smooth feet!” 

For as long as I can remember, like all the way back to 1989, I had a habit that was my way of dealing with anxiety - and I couldn’t control it. I just did it. No matter the pain. I would pick at me feet. Continuously. I would peel strips of skin off, sometimes an inch long.  My feet were a bloody mess. Many times it hurt to walk, sometimes that pain would last for a couple days. 

Those closest to me saw it. It wasn’t pretty. 

Try as they might to get me to stop, I couldn’t.

As I sat here this morning eating my oatmeal, I reached down and scratched my foot. It was smooth. I had the sudden realization I had not peeled away anything in, well… months? Surprised, I started to try and figure out when I quit doing that. 

Best I can figure it’s this year. Early this year. 

Two things happened in the first 45 days of 2023; I finally reached out for, and started getting help from the VA with all of my messy self that came from my time in uniform. And secondly; I made a massive change in my life to not settle. I also lost my amazing dog Seabee. But I think she handed me off.  She got me to a place, and a person who I was finally ready for. 

I’d been in a good relationship for six years. But honestly, we had both settled for a good person - but not one we were madly and completely bonkers for. 

I had crossed paths a few years ago with a high school classmate to whom I had forged a fantastic friendship with while we were in school together.  I did ask her out once when I was a senior, but she was always the smart one and said it would ruin the friendship if we dated. So we didn’t date. 

Fast forward 40 years, we talk, it’s still like she can finish my sentences, and I hers. We were both with others so we stayed friends. 

Then we finally asked why? 

Why are we settling for things less than what our friendship brings? Maybe we should free ourselves and see what’s here! 

We did. 

It is very much alive and beyond my dreams for what a relationship could be.  She knows me, and I know her. We knew each other early and loved and appreciated who we were then.  Now it goes beyond our wildest expectations.

On a recent trip back “home” to Florida - we discovered that in 1990 when both our first marriages failed and we each were home alone raising a young son…  we lived around the corner from each other and never knew it. 

Life has many close calls.  

I’ve had many close calls.  From getting sucked under the ship, to crashing in a news helicopter, and some of the fun stuff you read here - it’s amazing that I’m still here. 

What’s more amazing is that I’m with someone who instinctively seems to know how to steer me, guide me through the occasional darkness. 

I celebrate her being in my life many times each day. 

Today I also celebrate smooth feet. 

She surely played a role in that too. 

I so love you Lisa. 

And yes, perhaps I should have asked more than once! But as we both know we were not the people we are today. Today’s Kevin and Lisa are forging a life like no other. 

Yesterday was Hard

 

It was.  If you read the previous post you already know that. Today (the day after) is already very different in a much more positive way. 

Is it because it’s a work day?  I’d be tempted to say that plays into it at least a little. But honestly I believe it’s because I pushed through. 

My wife just stayed centered all day yesterday. Supportive and non-demanding.  She told me I didn’t have to do anything, I could do whatever I wanted. Even if it was nothing. 

Instead I got the door painted and started on the master bedroom walk-in closet. It’s nowhere near finished - but it is well on its way. In fact, it may be possible to wrap up the closet and hang the new door all in the next block of time I get.  

Because I stared two projects - and didn’t have the time to finish it would be easy to drown in the incompleteness darkness.  Instead, I see the progress made. Solid progress, and not all of it relates to the home improvement - but also to my improvement. 

Loving support like I get from my bride, combined with the hard-core reality life skills and tools I get from my counseling  combined to get me through. 

They can’t keep that darkness from coming at me. They can’t keep it from always being a threat, but they give me tools I can use to beat it when it does come for me. 

It’s a new day, a cold autumn day, but it’s crisp with opportunity and loaded with fresh lessons. 

So what’s the take-a-way? 

The darkness likely will always try to make a come back, so we have to stay strong - keep working on ourselves, so we’re ready to defend our happiness when needed. 

Interesting. 

Sounds like I’m in the damn Navy again.  Train. Train. Train, for a battle that may never come. But if it does - we bring it to the approaching enemy and we fight hard - and win. 

It’s what we do. 

It’s what we have to do. 

Internal Tug of War

I struggle with the down time.  Work is easy, it’s easy to focus, set goals and get things done. Whatever it takes to meet my professional obligations and goals, well, gets my focus. 

Me time seems almost empty and without purpose. But it’s not just me time, it’s our time. 

I have an amazing woman by my side and on those days where we’re home, no work obligations, no family obligations, I feel overwhelmed, nearly frozen and unable to decide what to do, where to begin. 

There are days I just want to turn off the lights and crawl into bed and sleep. 

But there’s so much that needs doing. I’ve got more than a few half started home improvement projects that haven’t advanced much. 

On days like today - I give myself a list of things I want to accomplish - and it’s ridiculously big. There’s simply no way all of that will get done.  Why do we set ourselves up for this kind of failure?  

I know I just need to tackle ONE thing. One. 

It just feels wrong, feels lazy. But damn it that’s ok. 

Deep breath. 

Pick a project, one project, and get it done.  How hard can it be. Not a day long project (because half the day is already gone), but one I can hit out of the park and bask in the warmth of its completion. 

Which one? 

LOL

OK, I’ll try this. 

It feels good to be making progress, even if it’s small, it’s still progress.

But all of a sudden the guilt blanket engulfs the endorphins that were happily coming out of their shells. 

So much to celebrate in my life.  My sons. My wife. Everything.  Yet when the blanket engulfs - it’s heavy, and it fights to cause more darkness. 

Guilt. 

I’m so blessed, so lucky. 

Why me? Why not them?  Why did they not get this far? Kids, marriages, (not necessarily in that order). 

Why was their life cut short, and most of all - why did we witness it and do absolutely nothing? 

Keep painting. 

This project will look good and it will feel good to have it done. 

Won’t it?