Just kind of a mess today. Internalizing everything for days and now leading up to Veterans Day, I’m irritated.
I’m irritated that the VA is so big it’s hard to find out exactly what’s going on, where I stand - or what’s next.
I’m irritated that people look at me like I’m slacking for refusing to do a work event on Saturday because I’m participating in a Veterans Day ceremony.
I’m irritated that in my effort to try and get some sleep - I’ve stopped drinking (at least during the week), but still use an OTC sleep aid - but tonight, I’m out. Didn’t buy any more because inside I question my need for them and wonder why the hell I just can’t sleep like I used to?!!
I question the whole process of dredging all this up from the past in order to address it and fix it… in the meantime it’s raw, and it hurts.
I seem to be all over the place, and nowhere at the same time.
No chart.
No stars.
I’m told it’s up to me.
I, and I alone have to navigate my way through all this.
This. This is everything I’ve grown used to doing over the years. Now I know I don’t “have to” do anything I don’t want to do. I can live for me… but what the hell does that look like?
Not rally a bad day.
More like “meh.”
It’s going to happen to us all.
Saying goodnight and pushing forward.
Fingers crossed I can sleep.
If that happens - I’ll wake victorious, and todays “meh” will have been worth it.
