Numb Sometimes

I’m told it’s a lot to take in. That cancer diagnosis. Especially when you hear a lifetime of how cancer needs to be aggressively attacked. Now to know it’s there, inside me - but we’re going to watch and see what it does. 

I get that this is a good thing. Or at least my mind does. But my emotional state has been scrambled ever since. 

I have new meds - both to address the PTSD and to address the prostrate issues. I went from 2-pills a day to seven. My prescription bottles line up like the ones my dad had on his dresser when we cleaned his room after he died. 

I’m 28 years younger than he was, and I’ve caught up to him on med bottles. Damn. 

The new cocktail of pills has side effects - trying to understand them… which ones are normal, and are any of them not. Holy hell, is this a side effect or a symptom? Oh, you know what? Take another anxiety med because it’s all stressing me out. 

My focus is limited at best. 

Why do I have to wait and see if this stuff comes after me?  I do because if we go after it with radiation or surgery - my life permanently changes. Although, it already has. Even if it sits and doesn’t attack me, I’ll have tests the rest of my life to be sure that’s the case. I’m not complaining. I know there are people who have far bigger challenges than the one I face. Just damn it - I didn’t want, or need this at this point in my life. Trying to do the last stage planning for retirement … and now there’s a medical wrench in the mix. 

Yes, today I’m down. Seeing all the cancer stuff durring NFL games today pushed my buttons to tell my friends what’s happening. I appreciate what the NFL is doing - but this reminder wasn’t on my schedule… but I’ll roll with it. 

I told them I don’t want their prayers and I don’t want their sympathies. What I want is for the guys over 55 in my circle to make sure they’re getting a PSA test. It’s a blood draw. Knowledge is power and if you sit back and don’t seek to know - it can spread and make your life miserable, or worse. 

So there. That’s why I posted on my social media about it. Take control and monitor your PSA levels. 

I’m a little angry. A little sad and not really looking forward to a prolonged fight of any kind.  This waiting, watching and testing works for now. I hope that’s all it ever is. 

I’m a bit self centered right now, but I’m told I’m allowed to be and while that may be true - it doesn’t feel right. 

I am kind of scrambled at the moment. 

Looking forward to my group this week. 

I need it.