Alone Time Raises the Volume on Negativty

This is the longest I have been away from my wife since we've been together. 

It's nearly a week into it and I have done literally nothing.  I put clothes in the dryer and did a fast run through a grocery store so I'd have something to make bachelor food from.  So, I guess that's something. 

Tomorrow is Easter and kids and grandkids are coming to the house to see me. The place is a mess, and I am sitting here not liking living with this me. 

I know it's not good to not like yourself, so I don't want to not like myself, but I'm a mess. 

A few minutes ago I broke down. I miss my dog that I lost a year ago more than I miss my dad. What a statement that is huh? 

We bought a camping trailer in hopes that we make time to get away together - just the two of us... and I'm scared we won't do it enough to make it worthwhile. 

There is so much to do around here and the job takes SO MUCH time away from home life. Uhg. 

But we will attack this one piece at a time. 

It's Saturday and I have to go to work and take care of a project.  Once that it done I can focus on cleaning up this mess in the house and getting some shopping done so that we can have an Easter tomorrow. 

I deeply miss the company of my best friend, my confidant, my biggest supporter.  She constantly reminds me of the good in me.  This week has shown me that I do not do a good job of that.  I let the negative rule and then have this desire to act out in a way to punish myself, or put myself at risk.  

I chose not to do that today. 

I'm going to work. Step one. 

When that's complete - I'll tackle this house and celebrate that success. 

We'll see how this goes. 

2024 Kicks off with lots of mixed emotions

 

What a start.  I have been neglecting this blog, somewhat intentionally, maybe. 

In February I lost my father.  he was 89 years old and a career firefighter.  I spent a decade of my life, from age 11 until my 20's without him in my life.  Some of it was out of my hands, and some was in my control - but I didn't know it.  I did what others wanted to keep the peace and as a result lost time with my dad.  Time I will never get back. 

February also was the one year anniversary with my bride, the one.  The one who I have been getting ready for my entire life.  She brings both peace and passion to my life. She's been an incredible breath of fresh air.  I mean that literally.  I was pretty much suffocating myself - until she came along and showed compassion for the me I had been hiding. 

Then my sons lost their maternal grandmother in a house fire.  She was a fantastic woman who at 92 still has at least a decade ahead of her. Such a surreal and sad moment. But within it I saw both my boys strength. They are really good young men and I love them beyond my ability to describe here. 

I started group therapy at the Vets Center and it's been an eye-opener in so many ways - somewhat outwardly, but mostly it's inward facing. 

On a recent therapy visit I was kind of shocked at how well all this was being handled... shocked by my own healthy responses to it all.  I worried that perhaps I was burring a lot. 

I press on. 

Now I don't feel so bad.  I managed to capture the roller coaster month of February in a few paragraphs. 

Insights on myself - there are many. Mostly good.  But there's worry about things I've packed away so well that they'll surprise me. 

Worry may be the wrong word. It implies I am actively waiting for the other show to drop - and I am not.  But I feel it's out there.  

Waiting.