and the answer is….

Just to add a pinch of drama to this whole thing an hour before my doctor’s appointment to hear what the pathology report is from the biopsy, the office calls and says, “we don’t have the report back from the lab yet, so we need to move your appointment out three days.”  But what if the results come in later today or tomorrow? “We will try to work you in before hand if the results come in early.” 

The waiting anxiety is now granted a three day extension. 

And half an hour later the results are posted to the patient portal, meaning I can see them if I want. Well, how can I not look? I have to look. I texted my wife and opened the portal and there they are - all I have to do is click on the green button to see if I have cancer or not. 

My mouse arrow lingered for a moment, I was going to remember the next 15-seconds for a very long time and I wanted to get steady while I told myself it will be negative. 

Click. 

I have cancer. 

Now, the beauty of it all is I - I should say - we, have a couple days to doc google everything and build a list of questions. 

Also good that it appears to have been caught very early and low grade, with no indication of spread. So this is doable. We do recognize however, that it will impact the rest of our lives in some way.  

The good news is we can live with that. 

Note:

Where my head is… it’s an ok place…  strength comes from being neck deep in this life with the most amazing partner, lover and friend, a person could wish for. (And a great circle of friends).